A.M. Rambling
It's 3:30 a.m. and my dumbass is up blogging instead of sleeping when I KNOW I have to be up in three and a half hours for another long ass day of my 8 to 5 day job. Why, U ask? Once again contemplating my life, my career, the same 'ole shit. I think maybe I contemplate too damn much.
In any case, I went to support a band tonight called Stone Gato and I'm SO glad I did! They were incredible! AND their opening band, Nayas, was the fucking bomb! Both groups now have a fan in me. I LOVE good music ... obviously, or else I wouldn't do what I do, right? But tonight it was also inspirational to see other artists doing their thang on their own. They had a decent crowd and these hombres were amazingly talented musicians. (In fact, I already have the bug to ask the percussive guy from Nayas and the violinist from Stone Gato to play on a couple of songs for a record I'm "contemplating" next year ... but I'm jumping ahead.)
I didn't stay to the end of Stone Gato's set because I was to meet a friend at the Hippo for hip-hop night. I danced, as I always do, to the styles of DJ Rosie. She doesn't play any mixes and she plays the same shit every week, but I don't care because I LOVE IT! (And so much eye candy, good lawd, that's reason enough to go!) DJ Rosie hasn't played my song "Make U Scream" yet, which I think would fit in nicely on hip hop night. To be honest, I haven't bugged her, I only asked her once ... months ago ... and I never followed up. U know why? (the contemplation begins here, honey) Because I'm scared. Scared people won't like it, scared it's not good enough, scared it will clear the dancefloor. I don't know why I'm scared ... my comrads Aaron Carl and Tori Fixx both hail "Make U Scream" as their favorite song on Deviant, and I respect and value their opinions tremendously, but still ... the doubt and fear lingers, "she hasn't played it cuz she knows it will clear the dancefloor". I couldn't stand it if it did. I'd be done. SO, I don't push the issue. I just dance my little ass off til I'm dripping wet and have a great time.
I also ran into a guy, a fucking hot white boi with some junk in da trunk (sorry, had 2 throw that in), who I've been courting for weeks to dance for me in an upcoming gig. I had written him off because he's been completely non-responsive to my calls and shit and that is my BIGGEST pet-peeve when I mean business, but I decided to ask him one last time. I've found a choreographer and dancer from DC (I hope) and I just need one more dancer. Plain fact is he's just too busy ... which if anyone can appreciate, it's me. Then I started to think to myself, "the gig is only 15 to 20 minutes and you really don't have the TIME to put together 2 solid routines for it ... so why are you stressing over having dancers? Why not just do the gig solo and keep the money you're getting paid instead of once again handing it all over?" Once again, the answer is FEAR. Fear of having to hold it down in front of a crowd of danced out white gay men (hopefully there will be SOME color there, but this IS the Poconos, so I ain't holding my breath!) all by myself for 15 - 20 minutes. Am I good enough to do that? Am I good enough to make them dance without back up dancers and a whole routine that would be fitting of their icons Janet and Britney?
So, I came home feeling a little down cuz I can't believe that after all that I've accomplished by myself these last three years that I'd still be insecure and let fear hold me back. Then I went browsing some other artists on myspace and checked out the webpages to check up on a few of my personal favorite indie artists who are doing SO well, and what started out to be a deepening tunnel of negativity and gloom turned right around into being a surge of optimism, hope and confidence. I began to have ideas of things I haven't tried yet, ways I'm not thinking outside the box. I realized that I HAVEN'T done all I could cuz I'm still working a day job and I'm letting things like money (or lack of), debt, and what I feel to be family obligations hold me back. When it comes down to it, the fact is I have to be willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING and go balls to the wall after my dream if I want it bad enough. So, the true question is ... do I really want it that bad?
The answer is no. I'm not going to go bankrupt over chasing this dream. I'm not going to roll out on the people I love chasing this dream. And I'm not gonna starve chasing this dream. But I'm also NOT gonna give up and let something as stupid as fear get in my way. I came up with some really good ideas tonight. Plus, I started a business recently that will provide me with some financial security and allow me to quit my day job in 2 or 3 years. Right now 2 or 3 years seems like a long time, but looking back at the last 3 year I realize it's no time at all. And time waits 4 no one.
So, money is tighter than it's ever been, Deviant has not and is not doing what I hoped it would do, I only have a month (with really no time in it) to teach new band members a set and to find dancers and a choreographer and learn a full routine for my upcoming shows, but STILL I am optimistic. In the end, it's all gonna be alright. And it's now 4 a.m. Only 3 hours until I'm hitting that damn snooze button. I CAN NOT WAIT to be able to leave this 8 - 5 foolishness behind!
"Look 2 the hills, U will find your help there. Help from the Lord, so never despair. He will lead U 2 victory eventually. When the time is right you'll surely see." - Saturn, Story of My Life
In any case, I went to support a band tonight called Stone Gato and I'm SO glad I did! They were incredible! AND their opening band, Nayas, was the fucking bomb! Both groups now have a fan in me. I LOVE good music ... obviously, or else I wouldn't do what I do, right? But tonight it was also inspirational to see other artists doing their thang on their own. They had a decent crowd and these hombres were amazingly talented musicians. (In fact, I already have the bug to ask the percussive guy from Nayas and the violinist from Stone Gato to play on a couple of songs for a record I'm "contemplating" next year ... but I'm jumping ahead.)
I didn't stay to the end of Stone Gato's set because I was to meet a friend at the Hippo for hip-hop night. I danced, as I always do, to the styles of DJ Rosie. She doesn't play any mixes and she plays the same shit every week, but I don't care because I LOVE IT! (And so much eye candy, good lawd, that's reason enough to go!) DJ Rosie hasn't played my song "Make U Scream" yet, which I think would fit in nicely on hip hop night. To be honest, I haven't bugged her, I only asked her once ... months ago ... and I never followed up. U know why? (the contemplation begins here, honey) Because I'm scared. Scared people won't like it, scared it's not good enough, scared it will clear the dancefloor. I don't know why I'm scared ... my comrads Aaron Carl and Tori Fixx both hail "Make U Scream" as their favorite song on Deviant, and I respect and value their opinions tremendously, but still ... the doubt and fear lingers, "she hasn't played it cuz she knows it will clear the dancefloor". I couldn't stand it if it did. I'd be done. SO, I don't push the issue. I just dance my little ass off til I'm dripping wet and have a great time.
I also ran into a guy, a fucking hot white boi with some junk in da trunk (sorry, had 2 throw that in), who I've been courting for weeks to dance for me in an upcoming gig. I had written him off because he's been completely non-responsive to my calls and shit and that is my BIGGEST pet-peeve when I mean business, but I decided to ask him one last time. I've found a choreographer and dancer from DC (I hope) and I just need one more dancer. Plain fact is he's just too busy ... which if anyone can appreciate, it's me. Then I started to think to myself, "the gig is only 15 to 20 minutes and you really don't have the TIME to put together 2 solid routines for it ... so why are you stressing over having dancers? Why not just do the gig solo and keep the money you're getting paid instead of once again handing it all over?" Once again, the answer is FEAR. Fear of having to hold it down in front of a crowd of danced out white gay men (hopefully there will be SOME color there, but this IS the Poconos, so I ain't holding my breath!) all by myself for 15 - 20 minutes. Am I good enough to do that? Am I good enough to make them dance without back up dancers and a whole routine that would be fitting of their icons Janet and Britney?
So, I came home feeling a little down cuz I can't believe that after all that I've accomplished by myself these last three years that I'd still be insecure and let fear hold me back. Then I went browsing some other artists on myspace and checked out the webpages to check up on a few of my personal favorite indie artists who are doing SO well, and what started out to be a deepening tunnel of negativity and gloom turned right around into being a surge of optimism, hope and confidence. I began to have ideas of things I haven't tried yet, ways I'm not thinking outside the box. I realized that I HAVEN'T done all I could cuz I'm still working a day job and I'm letting things like money (or lack of), debt, and what I feel to be family obligations hold me back. When it comes down to it, the fact is I have to be willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING and go balls to the wall after my dream if I want it bad enough. So, the true question is ... do I really want it that bad?
The answer is no. I'm not going to go bankrupt over chasing this dream. I'm not going to roll out on the people I love chasing this dream. And I'm not gonna starve chasing this dream. But I'm also NOT gonna give up and let something as stupid as fear get in my way. I came up with some really good ideas tonight. Plus, I started a business recently that will provide me with some financial security and allow me to quit my day job in 2 or 3 years. Right now 2 or 3 years seems like a long time, but looking back at the last 3 year I realize it's no time at all. And time waits 4 no one.
So, money is tighter than it's ever been, Deviant has not and is not doing what I hoped it would do, I only have a month (with really no time in it) to teach new band members a set and to find dancers and a choreographer and learn a full routine for my upcoming shows, but STILL I am optimistic. In the end, it's all gonna be alright. And it's now 4 a.m. Only 3 hours until I'm hitting that damn snooze button. I CAN NOT WAIT to be able to leave this 8 - 5 foolishness behind!
"Look 2 the hills, U will find your help there. Help from the Lord, so never despair. He will lead U 2 victory eventually. When the time is right you'll surely see." - Saturn, Story of My Life
posted by Saturn at
3:25 AM
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